Give the right words to your vision and ideas
Are you regularly asked to write a column, speech, blog or memo, but lack the inspiration or creativity to find the right words? Do you need to write text for your new website, but you’ve got no idea where to start? Then call in the help of a good copywriter who can review or rewrite your texts.
Ghostwriting
Ghostwriting is a great solution for columns or blogs. With ghostwriting, the copywriter takes on all the writing needed for your blog or column. Ideal for entrepreneurs, board members, directors, managers or CEOs who want to share their brilliant ideas and vision with the world (think annual reports, staff magazines, newsletters), but haven't got the time, or aren't sufficiently skilled in the art of writing.
Writing for writers without egos
With ghostwriting, the copywriter writes a column, speech, blog or memo in your name, after a personal interview. Ghostwriting demands special characteristics from the copywriter concerned, as they basically need to crawl into your mind. The copywriter is your voice and chooses exactly that tone and those words that you might use yourself. For one person, that might be colourful language, while for others it would be short and sharply worded, or perhaps very abstract. It all depends on the goal, the audience and the medium. The copywriter must not only be a good listener, he or she must master different writing styles and be able to empathise well. Ghostwriting is also jokingly referred to as ‘writing for writers without egos’, because someone else is going to take credit for their writing. Are you looking for someone who can put your ideas and vision into words? Someone who can rewrite and improve the texts you’ve already written? Then send an email to info@limona.nl and ask about the options.
Share your thoughts!
Seduce, feed, pleasure, lure
Men courting women and women making an effort to be attractive to their man – they seem to be a dying breed. When you're still madly in love at the start of a relationship, you pull out all the stops for the other person. Beautiful clothes, scent, candles, wine. But after a while, relationships often go downhill. Work, taking care of the kids, housekeeping, doing a bit of exercise. Before you know it, you’ve spent your evening comatose on the couch, happy that the kids are finally in bed. You don't feel like doing anything else.
Seduce, feed, pleasure, lure
The animal kingdom does things differently. Seduce, feed, pleasure, lure. It's a fixed part of life. Female European peacock butterflies spread a scent that appeals to all males in her vicinity, male southern masked weavers (small, bright-yellow birds) build complete dwellings to lure females, the bee-eater (another bird) shows his skills as a provider by feeding a potential mate with bees and insects and flamingos get each other in the mood by performing a beautiful dance. That includes male and female flamingos! Luring calls can be another way to make someone aware of your presence. So can showing off the beautiful colours of your feathers or fur. In the animal kingdom, males even regularly fight over the females. Sometimes, even to the death. The ultimate reward for all this seduction? Winning a partner for yourself and ... MATING!
“It's what’s on the inside that counts, isn't it?”
Back to the human world. Although I know many Casanovas – both male and female examples – who are well-versed in the art of seduction, I often hear that people think it's all a bit over the top. Something for the first year, when you're still in love. “It should take care of itself, shouldn't it?” “You should fancy me, even if I’m wearing a bin liner” Or: “It's what’s on the inside that counts, isn't it?”. All excuses to stay on the couch and not put in any effort. In the end, it results in a boring, mediocre relationship and a growing need for an exciting escapade. With someone else.
Put in a little more effort
Bring excitement back into your relationship, put in a little more effort and get excited again! Ensure proper personal hygiene, put on some nice scent, surprise your partner with a home-cooked meal or a present, wear clothes that your partner finds attractive, bring home a colourful bunch of flowers (a rose between your teeth works even better), seduce your partner with a dance or a serenade sung at the top of your lungs, decorate the house or let your partner know that you get a little jealous sometimes. Guess what your reward will be...
Who do you think you are?
We all have an image of ourselves, some belief of who we are and what we’re like. At some point we internalised that conviction. Maybe we believed what our parents, teachers or relatives often told us in the past. Perhaps we came to the conclusion ourselves, based on our own life experiences. That belief translated into an identity. “I'm (just) ...” (fill it in for yourself).
Identity is powerful
Identity is very powerful. If you think you're something or someone, your beliefs, the behaviour you exhibit and the words you use are entirely related to that identity. You are convinced that's who you ‘are’, you radiate it in all directions. People who are convinced they have little self confidence will always ‘do’ things that show they have little self confidence. Not being able to get their words out properly, or stammering when they have to speak in front of a group. People who think they're lazy will always ‘be’ lazy. They don't feel like doing anything, exercise little and probably move slowly. People who consider themselves strong will also ‘behave’ as if they’re strong. They show as few emotions as possible, use tough language and even wear tough clothes. The same goes for all identities that you make your own. People who are convinced they're very successful, have loads of self confidence or who consider themselves beautiful, also find that their identity guides their behaviour and the words they use. Sound familiar?
Internalising a new identity
“It's just who I am.” is a saying you often hear when dealing with identity. We also refer to it as ‘character’. The good news is that it's not true at all. Our brains can change: that’s what happens when we learn or teach ourselves something new. You once made this identity your own, so you can give yourself a new identity too. Why would you hold onto something you once believed about yourself that's no longer realistic and may even hinder you these days? Try thinking the opposite of what you think about yourself now. Perhaps you think: “I'm (just) stupid/fat/ugly.” Instead, think: “I'm smart/slim/beautiful.” Tell yourself the thing you need to hear a few times a day, out loud or in your head. Write it down on a Post-it Note or in your diary.
Time and practice
Redefining yourself – giving yourself a new identity – takes time and practice. This applies to any kind of change. In the beginning, it will feel as if it doesn’t suit you, like an ill-fitting jacket. That's true, because you never thought of yourself that way before. It's important to keep at it, to integrate it. Maybe you'll find inspiring examples in people around you who have been through such a change themselves, and you'll be able to take the first step! Do you need help redefining yourself? Then make an appointment through the Contact page.
Do you know what your partner needs?
“I really did EVERYTHING I could!” is something often said by people whose relationship came to an end. When asked about this, it often turns out that they did do everything, but specifically everything they thought was necessary. Based on their own needs, and not their partner’s.
Interpretation of needs
People differ when it comes to interpreting needs. Take, for example, LOVE. Everyone needs love in their own way, and everyone enjoys feeling loved. But what do you need – specifically – to feel loved by someone? What has to happen for you to feel loved? In training sessions, we sometimes jokingly say: “As a man, I feel loved by my woman when I get home from work and she has dinner on the table, hands me a beer and my slippers and doesn't nag me for the next few hours.” Hilarity all around, of course. That being said, you'd be surprised what answers you get when you ask people this question. In all seriousness, this could be exactly what someone needs. It's often a careful balance. One person might feel loved when they receive a present or flowers, while another needs a big hug or wants to hear the words “I love you” at least ten times a day. Another might need sex to feel loved. And we're only talking about love as a human need right now. The differences between men and women play an important role here.
Ask what the other person needs
If you want to take your relationship or marriage to the next level, don't give your partner what you want to receive. Ask your partner what they want to fulfil their needs. Not just their need for love, but also other human needs, like security, significance and growth. Be as specific as possible. Then both partners can give each other what they need instead of what they THINK the other person needs. Success guaranteed!
90-Day Programme
Learn about the six most important human needs and how the differences between men and women play a role. Are you looking for support in this area? Then start the ‘90-Day Programme’ with your partner. Make an appointment for a free initial interview through this website.
The red flag called annoyance
Are you familiar with that feeling? That you're ‘allergic’ to someone? A family member, an in-law, someone at work. The way that person talks and behaves annoys you no end? How do you become ‘allergic’ to someone, and what can you do to improve the situation?
Qualities
It has everything to do with your own personality versus that of the other person. More specifically, the qualities each of you have. Qualities differ from person to person. They're a part of your upbringing, you develop them on your own or copy them from others throughout your life. Imagine that you're very decisive and consider that to be an important quality in yourself. If you come across a person who is very passive and takes a wait-and-see approach, it clashes with your world. You don't understand how someone could behave that way, you would NEVER do that! Another example: you like to show a bit of humility during conversations, you listen a lot and talk little. Then you find yourself at the Christmas dinner table, sitting next to your aunt, who just won't keep her mouth shut. The type that talks your ears off. That creates the first annoyance, or even irritation.
Excess
Irritation often arises when dealing with opposite qualities. And when people go too far in their qualities. Indeed, your quality can become a problem if you take it too far. A precise or meticulous person can become nitpicky or pedantic. A decisive person can become pushy, a helpful person can become meddlesome, a courageous person can become a fanatic and an optimist could become naive.
Focus
The extraordinary thing is that opposite qualities are the things you focus on. You have an antenna for people who are your own mirror image. If you are a meticulous perfectionist, you immediately notice when people are careless or chaotic. If you're someone who always keeps a straight back and sticks to values, you have an eye for people who behave like a chameleon and face whichever way the wind blows. Let's be clear though, the person you can't stand is just as annoyed by you as you are by them
Understanding
What can you do about this? First, it's a good idea to realise what your qualities are and when you're being excessive in them. It's also fun and instructive to wonder, at the first sign of annoyance, what exactly it is that annoys you and how that relates to your own qualities. Going a bit further, you could try to understand that there are differences between people. In other words, there is no GOOD or BAD behaviour. Understanding differences gives you peace of mind. Understanding that the person you're talking to has a very different approach to life could annoy you, but it could also amaze you. It might even put a smile on your face!
Challenge
You could leave it at that, of course. You don't have to get along with everyone. But, what if it's really necessary for you to build a good relationship – for example, with family / in-laws you see regularly – or what if you want to cooperate better in a work environment? In that case, it's worth adjusting your behaviour to come closer together. Are you precise, and the other person is a bit chaotic? Then your challenge is to be more tolerant. Think of running a household, and how two partners handle things differently. Are you an optimist, and the other person is a cynic? You could practise being more realistic. Are you decisive and dealing with a more passive person? Then practise being patient. Another positive result is that the other person is likely to tone down their behaviour as well. And what if you find yourself next to your chatty aunt at Christmas dinner again? Practise talking more and tell her a fun story!
Source: Bezieling en kwaliteit in organisaties (Inspiration and quality in organisations) / Daniel Ofman
Show understanding, or solve the problem directly?
Ellen had a benign lump removed from her breast. Right after the surgery, she talked to her sister. Ellen said she was upset because the surgeon had cut her, and that she found it hard to look at the stitches and scar. “It looks like my breast has a different shape now, it looks so unpleasant.” Her sister answered: “I understand what you mean, I felt the same way after my surgery.” A friend of Ellen's, who she told the same thing, said: “I understand, it's like your body has been desecrated.” When Ellen told her husband Paul how she felt, his reaction was: “Why don't you consider plastic surgery? It will make the scar less visible and might restore the shape of your breast.”
Feeling comforted
Ellen felt comforted by her sister and her friend, but not by her husband. In fact, she felt the opposite – it only served to make her more upset. She didn't hear what she wanted to hear: that he understood her feelings. Even worse: he asked her to undergo another operation, when she’d just told him how horrible she’d found that. “I don't want more surgery!”, Ellen protested, “I'm sorry you think it doesn't look good!” Paul felt hurt and confused by Ellen's reaction. “I don't care what it looks like,” he said, “it doesn't bother me at all!” “Then why did you tell me I should consider plastic surgery?” Ellen asked. “Because you said YOU were upset about what it looks like!" answered Paul.
Understanding vs. advice
Ellen wanted understanding and Paul gave her advice. He played the role of a problem-solver, something many men do, when she only wanted him to show understanding for her feelings. This example shows why men often get frustrated when their well-intentioned attempt to solve their partner’s problem is met with anger and rejection. “What's the point of carrying on talking about the problem if you can just solve it?” men think.
Sense of connection
Women communicate mainly to establish a connection and intimacy. They're taught to do so from a young age, by other women in their immediate surroundings. Talking about problems gives women a sense of connection: “we are the same, you're not alone.” If women receive advice, as men often do amongst themselves, they feel distance: “we are not the same, YOU have the problems, and I have the solutions.” Men are likely to give advice because they communicate mainly for status/hierarchy and independence. They're taught to do so from a young age as well, by other men in their environment.
Understanding each other's reactions
Knowing that men and women use different styles of communication ensures more understanding of each other's reactions. That way, women can show appreciation for the solutions their partners provide. Men could take some time to listen to their partners before offering a solution to the problem, and instead say: “I understand what you mean.”
Source: You just don’t understand – Deborah Tannen
How do you rebuild a relationship after infidelity?
You or your partner cheated, and you’ve decided to stay together and rebuild the relationship. How do you do that, and what are the potential pitfalls?
Angry and distrustful
The deceived partner is angry, fearful and distrustful. They’re afraid it will happen again. This partner will be inclined to control and monitor the other person. The mobile phone will be confiscated, emails and social media sites will be carefully monitored and their partner won't be allowed to go out by themselves, or let anyone into the house when they’re at home alone. Some people even install special tracking software on their partner’s computer; software that registers exactly which websites their partner has been visiting. The unfaithful partner often feels guilty. If they choose to rebuild the relationship, they will do anything they can to make up for what they’ve done.
Fear and guilt
Keeping themselves firmly under control out of fear that it will happen again, feeling guilty about what they’ve done and accepting anything the deceived partner wants; it’s all completely understandable. It takes time to heal the wound of infidelity and rebuild trust. One person might try to control the relationship and act like a victim, while the other allows themselves to be controlled out of guilt. Two strategies that can sustain one another for a long time, but don’t offer a long-term solution to the problem, becaise they're both based on fear and pain.
Choose your own well-being
If you want to rebuild your relationship, you have to choose your own well-being. Don’t play the victim and don't do anything out of guilt. Don’t – no matter how tough that might be at the start – endlessly blame each other. At a certain point, everything has been said and it won't do any good to keep repeating yourself. Don't base your behaviour on what you want to prevent, but on what you want to achieve together. Set positive goals, together. Take a critical look at the ‘blueprint’ of your relationship. How did you relate to one other? What was good about that? What caused the infidelity? What would you like to see changed? Ask your partner what they need and give it to them, without bargaining about it.* Focus on love, communicate and take your time to repair the trust in your relationship.
* See my blog ‘Giving what the other person needs’
Personal coaching in the workplace works!
Do you have staff or supervisors in your company who don't ‘play well’ with their colleagues? Because of their behaviour, their communication, or lack of it? What impact does that have on cooperation in their department, team goals and the aims of your company?
‘Character’
“It's just the way I am” is a statement that’s frequently heard from employees during their performance review. It's often referred to as their ‘character', a fixed fact. The good news is that it's not totally true. In fact, our brains are definitely capable of change: that’s what happens when we learn new skills or acquire knowledge during training or education. People can change, but they often have to be facilitated in this change. What they need is a critical look at their communication processes through asking the right questions. Understanding their communication processes, cause/effect and possible ‘smoke screens’ allows someone to actively change things about themselves.
Corporate coaching
Corporate coaching offers a solution. The appointment with the employee or supervisor takes place at your premises, so there will be no lost time. After a number of conversations with a coach (an hour a week is enough), the individual involved will often know what’s causing the problem and what they could do differently for a better result. Then they’ll get started with assignments and exercises to try out new behaviour. They’ll evaluate the results together with the coach. What went well? What could have gone better? Depending on the employee’s self-reflection skills and their willingness to change, the behaviour could be effectively changed after just a few sessions!
Coaching in business
A reaction from a supervisor after corporate coaching: “I was always sceptical about coaching and its application in the business world. After a few conversations with the coach, I started to realise that the expectations I had were mostly my own expectations, and that they didn’t correspond to those of others. What might be logical to me might not be logical to someone else, so you have to communicate. Personally I think everyone, from the lowest to the highest level, could benefit from coaching. To help people cooperate better, so that you get more out of the individual, the team, and ultimately the company. Sometimes we get stuck in our habits and the ways we behave and communicate. A small change in a sentence or certain behaviour can make a world of difference for yourself and the other party.”
Research results for coaching
Utrecht University / XpertHRA: “Large-scale research into Resource Development Instruments shows that coaching is an effective tool. There is a positive effect in 79% of cases. Important goals are: improving initiative, creativity and commercialism, improving cooperation and increasing flexibility among staff. The best results are for solving functioning issues. A big advantage of coaching over other tools is that results are often achieved more quickly. Whereas training courses often take three to four days, an hour-long coaching session may often have concrete results.”
Want to know more about coaching employees in the workplace, or the Employability Budget? Make a no-obligation appointment through the Contact page.
Conversations between men and women: when two cultures clash
Women speak and hear a language based on ‘connection’ and ‘intimacy’, while men speak and hear a language based on ‘status’ and ‘independence’. When men and women talk to one another, it’s like the meeting of two completely different cultures. The idea that men and women grow up in different worlds might seem absurd at first. Brothers and sisters grow up in the same families, and they’re children of the same fathers and mothers. Where do women and men learn their different styles of communication?
Different world of words
Let’s start at the beginning. Even if boys and girls grow up in the same environment, the same street or the same house, they often grow up in a different world of words. People speak differently to men and women, and they expect and accept different styles of communication from them. It’s important to grasp that children don't just learn how to speak and interact with others from their parents, but from their peers as well. In other words, boys learn from other boys and men, while girls learn from other girls and women. For example, boys spend more time playing outside. In large groups that have their own hierarchy. Their groups have a ‘leader’ who tells other people what needs to happen and, more importantly, how that needs to be done. The leaders give out orders, and suggestions for doing things differently are often rejected. Everything is about status and independence. Men and boys gain status by telling stories and jokes in public, and challenging the stories of others. The games boys play have winners and losers, and boys often like to brag about their abilities.
Intimacy and connection
Then there are the girls. They often play in smaller groups or in pairs. The central point of a girl’s social life is her best friend. In a group of girls, intimacy and connection is the most important thing. Everyone gets a turn when they play games. Often, their games don’t have winners or losers either. Although some girls have more abilities than others, girls are not expected to brag about them or show that they’re better than others. When girls talk to each other they don't give each other orders, because that’s ‘bossy’. Instead, they might say: “Let’s do this”, or: “What would you think about doing that?” They’re less likely to try to be the centre of attention by making jokes or telling stories. They’re more concerned with whether people like them or not.
Do you experience problems communicating with the other sex, privately or at work? Then grasp the fact that this might be the reason, and understand your differences.
Two halves do not make a whole
A man and a woman find themselves with a relationship coach. “I can’t deal with my wife’s fears,” the man complains. “When she talks to me about her fears, I always feel as if it’s my responsibility to fix them.” The wife responds, annoyed: “What good is a marriage if I can't even talk to my partner about what’s important to me? Sometimes I get nervous and I feel the need to talk to someone. That calms me down again.”
Coach: “I know, that’s the problem.” “That I get nervous?” the woman asks. “No,” says the coach, “everyone gets nervous sometimes. The problem is that you need your husband to calm yourself down again.”
Emotional connection
‘Complementing each other’ and looking for confirmation in the other is very noticeable in relationships, and not just between lovers. We often call it ‘empathy’ but that’s not really what it is. We completely connect to one another emotionally to suppress our own fears quickly and effectively. Great, right? However, there’s a downside. Partners become dependent on each other to feel good, like Siamese twins. They're constantly trying to reduce each other’s fears, one after another. That could go well for quite a long time, until some major emotional event takes place. Usually, neither of the partners will be able to sufficiently support the other. If one buckles emotionally, the other will become destabilised as well.
Self-esteem and self-worth
Working on your own self-esteem and self-worth is the solution. Standing on your own two feet and maintaining your own strength. That will leave the emotions of the other person with that person, and it allows you to provide support because the other person needs it, not because you need it. Of course, this doesn't mean that you can’t be compassionate or empathise with others, you just won’t need it to feel good yourself. You’ll do it because you want to – a conscious choice. Patricia Frye puts it well: “Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship. It takes two wholes.”